I’m sure you’re reading this right now because you may have been triggered by THIS POST and have now become an avid reader of The Queen of Hearts. Thank you for your paid subscription.
Okay, now onto the weird stuff.
I mean, to be fair it’s always been weird and I can say that with full confidence because I’ve been to many of your rallies and also your inauguration in 2017 which was confusing because everyone was so sad. Ugh, Donny you’ve had so many missteps along the way and I’m not just talking about the indictments or harassment charges or the whole insurrection thing where the White House could have burned to the ground. I’m talking about in the last month. So so many missteps. When you chose J.D. Vance as your running mate it just made everyone think you picked a fresher version of yourself. He’s SO MUCH YOUNGER AND SMARTER THAN YOU but still holds all of your scary dreams close to his heart. I watched you listening to his speech at the RNC and you didn’t seem, how do I put this, excited? Your face sort of screamed “OH NO, HE’S THE FRESHER AND SMARTER AND YET STILL SCARY VERSION OF ME WHO DIDN’T GET HIS MONEY FROM HIS DAD.”
I felt for you, but in a “I’m thrilled to see you so exhausted” sort of way. Things have not been going well! Biden dropping out was a real doozy because next to him you honestly did look exactly three years younger. But now? Now you seem like you’re 100% going to lose because Vice President Kamala Harris is going to be the first female President of the United States.
DRATS!
Hold on. Does this mean you’re going to lose again? Do you have a self-care plan in place that doesn’t involve trying to start a civil war? Have you ever tried just floating in your pool like a starfish at Mar-a-Lago? I think you’re going to need a game plan because after what we all just witnessed at The National Association of Black Journalists in Chicago where you said, in reference to Vice President Kamala Harris:
"So I don't know, is she Indian or is she black? But you know what, I respect either one, but she obviously doesn't, because she was Indian all the way, and then all of a sudden she made a turn, and she went - she became a black person."
If I was to pick one thing you could say which would be the worst thing to say to this particular room full of people it would be exactly what you said.
Do you have a PR crisis management team or is that just Eric? I’m guessing you don’t, so I’ve come up with some ideas for you to get out of this very bad mess that you most likely won’t ever be able to bounce back from. I feel strongly that #1 is your best option. Here we go, I've really thought this through:
Float in your pool like a starfish at Mar-a-Lago.
Drop out of the race.
Work on your golf game even though you’ve won the world championship.
Learn who Eric is.
Drop out of the race.
Try and build a time machine so we only remember you from Season 2 Episode 8 of Sex and the City.
Actually that’s all I have - time machine and starfish seems most reasonable.
Good Luck!
Allana
p.s. I would put “please don’t let Emmy Award winning journalist Rachel Scott interview me ever again or moderate a debate” in your dream bucket.
“Do you have a PR crisis management team or is that just Eric?”
oh so dead 😂 👏
#4 💀