Dear Patriarchy, me again
THANK YOU for Harrison Butker’s Commencement speech!
I know people don’t often thank you for the tremendous gifts you often share but let me be the first to say, thank you. I understand that so many people hate when you rear your ugly puss infested head in public but I liken it to a cleanser. Like, a truly painful pimple that has finally reached the surface for all to see. And now yes, let’s deal.
If it wasn’t for you Harrison Butker, the kicker of the Kansas City Chiefs could have remained a phantom zit. Making us question if it’s really there or a figment of our imagination. Up until 24 hours ago I had no idea who Harrison Butker was because Taylor Swift hadn’t mentioned him. Now I know that he signed a 5 year $20,275,000 contract with the Chiefs, not to mentioned the sweet $3,500,000 bonus for using a pen. And, he’s really bad on a microphone.
Here’s a doozy’s from the commencement speech we are all talking about that he gave at Benedictine College:
“I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolic lies told to you. Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world. I can tell you that my beautiful wife Isabelle would be the first to say her life truly started when she started living her vocation as a wife and mother.”
Cool your jets Patriarchy. I can already hear you getting a little excited that it sounds like I’m saying free speech and a large salary can’t go hand in hand. Of course it can! Colin Kapernick had a guarantee of 61 million and his annual salary for the 49ers was a whopping $19 million dollars a year when he took a knee to protest police brutality. Buuutt he was then blacklisted from the NFL for “free speech” while being black. So what will happen to Butker? Will he be blacklisted by the NFL for “free speech” while being white? How is taking a knee more controversial than telling a group of students that the female graduates should essentially go back to the kitchen and that pride month is the king of the deadly sins. No Butker…PRIDE is the deadliest of the deadly sins. Not the actual month of Pride.
Look Patriarchy, I get it that your ideology is coupled with stupidity but sometimes it just goes too far. Harrison Butker even made YOU look dumber than you are. My first thought was questioning if he had ever made his own lunch growing up or if he just reached into the fridge and ate an iceberg lettuce like an apple when mommy wasn’t home. Because how’s this for a kicker: His MOM is a super accomplished physicist. Does Harrison have mommy issues because it sure sounded like he wanted to be parented again by his wife.
And let’s not let Benedictine College off the hook. They invited someone who is such an idiot that he refused to get vaccinated during a worldwide pandemic. What did they think he would say? He literally cried into a microphone because his wife did the laundry. And hey, that’s her choice, even though now we all know it wasn’t. But what an incredibly prideful move telling a group of women who were there with their families to celebrate their academic accomplishments that they should really aspire to being at home married with kids. If Harrison is so committed to the seven deadly sins - which I’m convinced he only knows as the title of a porn - someone should tell him he is smothered in pride. And if Hubris is the gateway to all the other sins he’s sure lined himself up for the Super Bowl of Satan. Someone give me a microphone and a pulpit stat!
So thanks Patriarchy for sending us these huge dummies every so often to just highlight how beautifully backward and archaic you are. The uprising of voices from women and Flavor Flav has been heartwarming.
As always, I celebrate your demise.
xoAllana