Dear Ladies,
Let me first begin with the good news! Our latest fundraising efforts were our most successful to date! In these unprecedented times we must do all we can to raise funds for our Grand Old Party, even if that means having our annual Crystal Tusk Party on the zoom and only looking at all of that delicious baking! I wish I could eat a computer screen! And I don’t blame Marni Malper one bit for making us watch her eat an entire strawberry angel food cake “in protest” or that one of our founding members finished off a three liter box of Costco Cabernet. At least it was red! Right ladies? Jokes are fun.
But all joking aside many of our members, while still being generous and hitting the donate button, expressed their deep concern for the state of our party. We are indeed in dire times. Now, we all know we are married to some real jokesters but I do agree with some of our members that the jokes seem to be going too far at times for some folks to understand they are exactly that - JOKES! Not everyone has a good sense of humor. Even our most unfun members, and we have a few, can give a little irony giggle at the fact that 50% our husbands leave the country once a year to illegally kill elephants in far off lands. My husband Jerry once said “What would you prefer Janice? That I kill a donkey?”. Get it? But honestly, have you ever met a donkey? They cry real tears.
So let’s talk about the real elephant in the room - Please cover the ears on your crystal elephant Swarovski pendants because apparently, our party hates women. And sure, I’ve cringed a couple times when our leader has called women fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals. He says he’s kidding and having a good time but some people out there believe he might actually not like women! So let me ask you this ladies…would someone who has been married three times not like women? And sure, it’s pretty clear they don’t like him but none of us knows what truly goes on behind closed doors, except that it’s usually worse than what we’re guessing. It’s been hard to read Melania’s take on things because she’s no where to be seen. Please try hard to not judge her, she didn’t understand that her “Be Best” phrase seemed like it was not a full sentence.
But back to the issue at hand. As president of this chapter of the Crystal Elephants my guess is that our men are truly suffering because of Kamala Harris. I’ve see it with my own eyes. My Jerry went from a man who almost broke his own knee from slapping it so hard laughing at President Biden jokes, to a man despondent. And frankly ladies, I knew this was going to happen. She’s rising high in the polls because she’s a woman and has gotten more done in the past 2 months than any man I’ve known could do in years. I know that statement might bother a few of you but we all know it’s true. Jerry of course wants to say a whole bunch of other really bad stuff and he is struggling. I don’t know whether or not to be proud or disappointed.
As a former cheerleader for the Lakeside Loons Power Squadron I have brought that unbridled spirit in my work to support the Republican Party and the Crystal Elephants. It’s been a hoot coming up with cheers based off of inspirational party speeches and tweets. But now, I admit I struggle when President Trump ReTruths a post about Kamala, Hillary and (forgive me Lord) blowjobs. And trust me everything rhymes with job. I could cheer all night long about blowjobs and not run out of ideas!
I don’t hate myself ladies. But I have to ask…am I supposed to? Should I chain myself to a radiator like JD Vance has suggested? He criticizes women so much but doesn’t seem to have a problem borrowing his wife’s eyeliner. I’ve prayed a few times that the Lord inspires him to not focus so heavily on the water line as he’s looking at a double pink eye in no time. You’d think by now that since his wife Usha Vance resigned from her job as a corporate litigator in San Francisco that she could help him out! But seriously though, I do hope she can get her job back when they lose in November because even though JD criticizes working women it sounds like she might have made more money than him.
I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I’m just delaying getting to the bad news. Oh poop! Okay, here goes. Although I’m delighted that we fundraised so heavily for our party, and I’m almost certain that money will go to funding illegal activity on a private Island, I am finding myself at a crossroads. Things seem, now how do I put this? Gross. I’ve read more about women dying in emergency rooms from sepsis than I have about anyone saving any babies. I’ve heard more sexist inappropriate jokes in the past eight weeks than I have since Hillary Clinton ran for President. Okay sure, I tried to laugh at all the sexist and hatred of woman banter so I wasn’t shunned by my church, but how many blow job and nasty women jokes can one sermon ignore?
Ladies, I do not say this lightly. I truly think they hate us and no amount of incredible baking is going to turn that opinion around. I think we can all understand why Marni Malper was panic eating that strawberry angel food cake with a serving spoon!
So, that is why, it is with the heaviest of heart but also more bravery than I’ve conjured up in years that I must resign as President of the Crystal Elephants. Not because I don’t adore you all and will miss our precious girl time but because I think I like myself more. God forgive me. It’s true. I like most things about myself except for the fact that I’ve never let Jerry wash his own socks and underwear. But if I was to be truly honest - that’s probably the dirtiest thing about him and trust me, they are disgusting.
Please don’t think for a second I’m removing my Laura Bush framed photo from the living room. I’ve not dropped off the deep end! I just might add a couple thought bubbles to the photo with things I wish she was saying out loud. Sometimes they say silence is golden but I sure would like to hear one good Republican suggest that our leader shouldn’t be someone who has been accused of sexual assault or fraud. It’s the little things.
So I leave you, through tears, with my final cheer for the Crystal Elephants.
The Crystal Girls will shine on through!
From sea to shining sea!
And raise our tusks to the stars above while making scones and tea!
We’ll bake a brisket nice and rich and pair it with corn cobs!
We’ll always take pride in our work, not thinking of blow jo -
Oh dammit!
Yours in Crystal,
xo Janice
The Red Elephant In The Room