It’s that time of year when everyone is Irish or part Irish or maybe Irish or once knew someone who was Irish. Who cares! Because the good news is that Irish people want to be appropriated. It’s true! You just need to be as cool as Ayo Edebiri or at least be willing to know a few things that might actually make you seem more “Irishy”.
You may be wondering what gives me the authority to give such advice? Who is Allana Harkin anyway? How dare she make the claim to know anything about appropriating what is thought to be the whitest culture to ever exist. Well, I have 65 first Irish cousins. That’s really all you need to know about how Irish I am. Gross right?! (JK GRANNIES!). So if you want to seem like you know a little bit about the Irish here’s a solid start:
Let’s get it out of the way and talk about “the drink” as it’s affectionately called by the Irish once it kills you. There’s no doubt that this is what everyone who isn’t Irish thinks of the Irish when they think “Irish”. And maybe you’re not wrong. If you had a long week (or centuries) of famine, persecution, viking wars and a bunch of Brits wanting to steal everything you own then you might want to enjoy a glass of wine as well. Fortunately the other vice was art. The Irish have murdery thoughts no doubt but have more often than not turned them into a somber song or incredible piece of pottery. So enjoy a drink but while you’re doing it think about writing a sad poem.
Understand that Jameson whiskey is a cure all (I understand I’m still talking about alcohol and perpetuating the stigma). To this day, I can’t enjoy a whisky without thinking I have a cold or a sore tooth. If anyone asks you for a spot of “the Irish” it’s a whisky. And yes, if your knee is sore then rub some Jameson on it. I’m not a medicinal whisky expert but I am brainwashed.
The Irish love to cry. Give them a good story and watch the tears flow. Do you have a story that could use a bit of a cry? Go find a real Irish person immediately. But also make sure it’s a good one - because they’ll also tell you your story was shite.
Know how to pour a proper pint of Guinness. This is extremely important (I’m realizing that my core memories of growing up make it seem like I should own a pub). A pour from a can of Guinness is very different from a tap pour. A tap pour is a two stage process and should take exactly 119.5 seconds. And, if you’re like my father, you’ll want to sit in front of the bartender and eye the entire performance like a work of art or as if you’re being tortured (if poured improperly).
Talk about death incessantly. My God the Irish love death. If you want to truly sound Irish - Take a quick inhale and on the breath out mention someone who died. It doesn’t have to be someone you even like but it’s lovely if you did. Then the floor is open to either praise this individual for all they did in life or truly rip them to shreds.
Believe in miracles. The Irish are extremely spiritual people. Even if you’re an atheist you can still believe in miracles and one thousand percent holy wells. Ireland has the most holy wells in the world - “so get on your hands and knees and drink from the fecking well” as I was affectionately told by a family member.
Get into the Rosary. The Irish love a prayer assignment. Perhaps you’re thinking “Well I’m atheist and that doesn’t apply to me” - you’re wrong! The Irish do not discriminate against atheists as that gives them the assignment to pray for your atheist soul. It’s a WIN WIN! But also, there’s nothing more beautiful than thinking a bunch of Irish people are sending you good healing energy. Remember: Irish people are magic.
Understand that Irish music is essential. It will almost immediately lead to tears. This was the song that was sung at my wedding and I still can’t even think of the title without crying. Or try this or this. GET CRYING and/or learn to play an instrument even if it’s the spoons.
Embrace a root vegetable and make a proper Irish Stew. The Irish love their root vegetables and yes, their starchy potatoes. Not only will it warm the cockles of your heart but will conjure up centuries of Irish Ghosts.
100% say this list is wrong. If you are Irish you will have read this list and thought it was absolute rubbish. That I didn’t come close to encompassing what it means to be truly Irish. I agree, there is no hot list that could sum up who you are and what magic you bring to the world. Heck there’s an entire day where everyone pretends they are Irish or Irish for a day! You don’t even have to guess if you’re special. YOU ARE. Are you crying yet? LOL! You’re Irish. JK! But seriously, please pray for me. I love a good prayer. And understand that I, from the depth of my wee displaced Irish soul, think you are magic.
Across the ocean in awe of all thing Ireland on this day and all days,
xoAllana*
(*Gaelic for sweetheart)
p.s - one last hot tip. The “Irish Goodbye” is not someone who leaves immediately. A true Irish Goodbye is to say you are leaving for a solid hour then say goodbye to each person individually like you’re never leaving and then suddenly disappear mid-conversation.
belly laugh funny!