I don’t want to sound like your mother by calling you by your full name. Haha! Your dad does that too but it’s somehow funnier to blame your mom! Is her name Karen? LOL! Okay I will try and cool it with the jokes but you are so funny. I mean the Karen thing was brilliant. So simple, so eloquent and so easy to use. Even Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, was a step away from being a Karen. Everyone was just waiting for that public meltdown to catch on camera after she went AWOL for a couple months. But then she announced she had cancer. Boooooo. So all the fun and games with photoshop are over because your friend empathy showed up. I call her Emma. Ugh Emma. Amiright? Boo Emma!
I looked up the male version of a Karen and apparently it’s Darren or Terry but, let’s be honest, that hasn’t caught on. I wonder why? Hmmmmm. And look, I don’t want you to get defensive here. I know you must be thinking “whoa, how is a white woman losing her mind over a coffee order my fault?!” I get it. It’s scarier to watch a guy lose it because we are thinking someone is going to get physically hurt or die. With a woman it’s just a good laugh! Hahahaha. What a dummy. And yes there are some pretty bad people out there but some videos making the rounds are women clearly having a mental health or hormonal breakdown. Hormones can be a bitch when you’ve have to hide your period for your entire life. I know it repulses you that woman are now talking about menopause because women’s health is supposed to be embarrassing. That was the agreement! But that’s where you should be congratulated. Really. The shame invented and perpetuated around the female reproductive system is like an art form. The lack of medical research and care in this area is genius and it’s so much worse for black woman. And yes, babe, that’s your fault. But - NO worries! Us ladies will just slide our boobs right into your pancake maker. Squish away! We’ll take it like a man. Why update the 60 year old mammogram procedure when we can instead focus all our energies on cool things like artificial intelligence and making grannies look like they have no wrinkles and seven fingers?
At this point you may be wondering why I am writing to you about something we’ve discussed about a million times. And I’m sorry for putting words in your mouth because you’ve done it to me as well and it sucks. In fact, when we start to realize we speak on your behalf a lot it really stops a person in their tracks. It’s true! If you’re paying attention you’ll see at least one woman a day pause, shake her head and mutter “fuck this shit”. Sorry for the swears - I know you hate to hear a woman use bad language. But to be fair, you also hated when we wore pants.
So here’s the thing. I went to an event recently and you weren’t there and I felt like I was breathing differently. I used to just chalk this up to “having a good night” but it was more than that. Even though I was in a crowd of hundreds you weren’t invited. Or wait. Were you there? Oh how embarrassing. You might have been but there were so many women and non-binary people speaking that no one noticed. Or were you being an ally? HAHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING! Thank the Lord for jokes right?
So Patriarchy, Pat, I’m breaking up with you. This of course will not be a clean break because breaking up with something that has become inherent and often unconscious is a lot of work. I will be writing you more letters so this will feel more like a slow fucking burn. I’m going to be honest like how you’ve been honest with me by letting me know that women are not as funny as men or that no one will attend woman’s sports. I really want this honesty between us. I’m willing to discuss how women think they benefit from you if you are willing to understand how you’re destroying planet earth. Does that seem fair?
And thank you for teaching me the art of how to be passive aggressive as I would never have been able to write this letter without those very early lessons. That started to happen before I learned that being self-deprecating would make me more likable. A confident woman is such a turn off! GROSS! Anywhere here’s a picture of me for your phone:
XOALLANA
P.S. Please like and subscribe because Pat really doesn’t want you to!